My love will never be enough

I was driving back to my apartment the other night and for some reason there was this phrase repeating in my mind.

"My love will never be enough."

It overwhelmed me.

I am desperate for what little love I have to be enough to provide the needs for everyone surrounding me. I see hurt everywhere and I feel it. I can't help it.

I see the awkward teen in school so very much trying to fit in and failing, and I wish my love for him alone was enough. I see the single mother, with nothing of her own, lose most of her dignity. I see the twenty-something struggling to make it on her own and failing in so many ways. I see the scared patient waiting to hear the doctor say whether or not it is cancer. I see the lonely divorcee. I see the middle-aged person so full of regret, yet unwilling to change.

I want so badly for the love I have for them to be enough for them to feel, to set them on a new path, but it just isn't.

I see dead-end jobs, dreams crashing to the ground. I see pain. I see betrayal. I see fear. I see depression. I see loneliness. I see disappointment. I see significant loss. I see self-hatred. I see bitterness.

I see a broken world... and I feel it.

There is not a single friend or family member of mine that my heart does not break for regularly.

And it overwhelms me.

It's too much hurt and my love will never be enough.

My love will never be enough.

So, as David cried out to God in his distress and for healing, I also cried out to God for them in my car.

I don't know why I feel so much sometimes. It seems pointless. My caring about it, feeling it, loving them, isn't going to change the situation.

I find myself in the place where all I can do is cry out on behalf of them. My tears falling for their pain.

Petitioning God with my reflective feelings of their hurt.

Asking for help when they won't.

Pleading for the one whose love is enough to take hold of them, to take hold of you.

And He will, because even though my love will never be enough, if you let it, His already is.

Catalyst

When I'm worried and I can't sleep
I count my blessings instead of sheep
And I fall asleep counting my blessings

When my bankroll is getting small
I think of when I had none at all
And I fall asleep counting my blessings

So if you're worried and you can't sleep
Just count your blessings instead of sheep
And you'll fall asleep counting your blessings


This song has frequently found it's way to my mind since I watched White Christmas earlier this season. It's a rather simple song, but something about it (probably enhanced by Bing Crosby's voice) resonates within me. All too often in our culture, and especially at this time of year, we get wrapped up in what we don't have and the pressures surrounding us. And sometimes those pressures are really big, hard to deal with, life altering things... but I wonder if instead of focusing so thoroughly on the tough things in our lives, if we took time regularly to think about the ways we feel loved and the ways we are blessed, what changes that might cause. When I am told that I've been a blessing, it matters. It affects me. I might shrug and say, "no worries," but I'm glad and it affects my mood. When I see people around me dealing with serious stuff yet finding things to be joyful about, it makes me recognize the blessings surrounding me. That's how I want to be. That's what I want to be to you. Counting blessings can be a catalyst for change.

Not all is for naught

Here are some things I am thankful for in relation to getting stuck in extremely snowy highway traffic for about five hours after work:

• It wasn't six hours
• Of the dozens of broken down/abandoned/stuck cars and jack-knifed trucks I saw, none seemed to be serious accidents
• My car wasn't among them... I love my little Hyundai.
  
• The two electricians late to work at the train station who chatted with me for a portion of the non-journey while they were stuck in their truck next to me.
  
• The opportunity to stick my head out the window and just let the snow fall on my face, letting the beauty of it sink in.
• The many friends commiserating with me via text messaging.
• Daryl going through the same thing a mile ahead of me... It made me feel less alone.
  
• Sufjan Steven's Songs for Christmas... relaxing music is key.
• That I didn't die when in the middle of Rt 4 my windshield wipers got icy and stuck.
• That I didn't die when I had to pull to the side to fix them.
  
• That my dad encouraged me to learn to hold my bladder during family vacations... also key.
• That my heat works... almost too well.
• Daryl called me with advice for a faster escape... (I still love you for this).
• I learned of the joy that can be found in 10mph.
  
• That I made it up an unplowed on-ramp for 195.
• Ryan Bankas came to shovel out my parking spot for me.
  
• Jillian offered to brew some tea for me.
• I made it to Corey's birthday celebration in Fort Minor.
• Neck warming pillows and relaxing massages.
• Irish Hot Chocolate

What I'd really like to know though, is where in the world were all the snow plows when they were needed?

Hear me

MANY-TIERED MAN

When the sun rises
it illuminates stupidity and guilt
which are hidden in the nooks of memory
and invisible at noon.

Here walks a many-tiered man.
On his upper floors a morning crispness
and underneath, dark chambers
which are frightening to enter.

He asks forgiveness
from the spirits of the absent ones
who twitter far below
at the tables of buried cafes.

What does that man do?
He is frightened of a verdict,
now, for instance,
or after his death.


















HEAR ME

Hear me, Lord, for I am a sinner, which means I have nothing except prayer.

Protect me from the day of dryness and impotence.

When neither a swallow's flight nor peonies, daffodils and irises in the flower market are a sign of Your glory.

When I will be surrounded by scoffers and unable, against their arguments, to remember any miracle of Yours.

When I will seem to myself an impostor and swindler because I take part in religious rites.

When I will accuse You of establishing the universal law of death.

When I am ready at last to bow down to nothingness and call life on earth a devil's vaudeville.


~Czeslaw Milosz

TO TELL THE TRUTH

To tell the truth, I don't understand anything. There is only our
ecstatic dance, a diminutive part of a great totality.

They are born and die; the dance doesn't stop. I cover my eyes,
as if to protect them from the images rushing toward me.

Perhaps I only appreciate the gestures, words, and actions, proper
to the small patch of time assigned to me.

Homo ritualis. Aware of it, I do what is prescribed for a one day's
master.

~CM

Renewal

I just had a moment in which I decided that I want things to be as they used to be. The question then forced upon me was of just how far back I want to go. Do I want to go to a year ago when there was seemingly no drama amongst my current close friends? A few years ago when I belonged to and was surrounded by a group of college peers and intimate friends? Could I go back to a time when my parents still loved each other and my family was actually a unit? I think that when I say I want things to be as they used to be, I am really just mourning the loss and brokenness of something I once treasured. There was something beautiful, something right about those things that I miss. I suppose when it all comes down to it, I should really wish to go back all the way to when God created us in the first place. That was the only time when things were as they should be. It is the "used to be" of God... and I know I cannot begin to comprehend the sorrow God must feel as we continually break away from it, even with the realization of my own losses. Yet God is moving forward and calling us to a renewal. So now I am faced with the question of if I really want things to be as they used to be, or as they should be, why don't I more often take to heart the lessons taught by Jesus? Why do I fail to daily take on the commission of bringing heaven to earth. The commands are there. What Jesus says heaven is like is what I should be striving for moment after moment. Visiting the sick and the imprisoned. Feeding the hungry. Clothing the naked. Seeing needs and TAKING ACTION! That is the pragmatic way of moving things to where I long for them to be; the way they used to be, the way they should be, the way they will be.

Lessons learned... again

I find it rather funny that sometimes relearning a thing can be harder than learning it in the first place. The knowledge of what you had learned is all there in your head but somehow you lost it and its meaning. You don't realize that you need to dig it up because it's almost good enough to know that it is in you somewhere, but when this knowledge gets lost, you end up struggling with old issues. Confusion sets in. You refuse to acknowledge it for what it is because you already feel you have the answer. You do have the answer. You just can't feel or believe it. Then one day you read something, or hear someone, or just wake up and your eyes are opened. You remember.

An unexpected sunrise

"...may they who love you be like the sun when it rises in its strength."

Judges5:31

I saw the sunrise in my rearview mirror as I drove home this morning . It was beautiful. There were brilliant shades of blue and yellow, and then ever so slowly some red crept in. I have always loved sunrises. I prefer them over sunsets. I think it is because I see them so rarely, and when I do, it is usually because I've made an effort to do so. There also seems to be something about a sunrise that is just so filled with hope. The day is breaking bright and fresh... and with a splendor that few will see, yet it is there all the same. It's a glorious thing. I wish I made the effort to see more of them... and that I could get my friends to come along. I think I need more sunrises in my life, more hope as I face each day. I need to find something real to look forward to. Beyond the immediate I have no idea of what will bring me joy or how I can best use my talents. I need more sunrises.

My moralistic youth

Okay, so I couldn't resist putting up this other piece of literature from my youth. I only have the last bit of the story so our reference points are missing, but I still think the main idea can be understood. I am pretty sure that this is how most of my stories were when I was a child. Unless I'm mistaken, I always wrote about trying to be happy with what God gives you. I guess I was trying to reassure myself that it was okay to be short through my writing. It's a pretty crazy story, and I think I was younger when I wrote this than I was when I wrote the spinach horror... hold on to your hats! (I'm going to type it with all the same grammatical errors... because they are rather funny)

Yea hey! maybe we can talk to the lord. I've heard about asking him into your heart and praying, so they looked up in the bible prayer and this is what they prayed (our father who art in heven howlled be thy name thy kingdom come thy will be done as earth as it is in heaven give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our tresspassing and lead us not in to temptation but deliver us from evil for thyne is the kingdom, the power the glory forever amen) and the monkey said his own prayer (dear God please come in to my heart and let me and eagle change bodies amen) and when they opened their eyes they didn't change heads but eagle got a tail and monkey got wings. and they praised the lord. They did this for years then one day; monkey said I'm getting tired of this. So am I said the eagle so lets pray again so they did and said (dear God please change us to be who we we really are not someone else amen

the end

-> turn over->

(this was on the original yellow paper)

if your small and people tease you or blind or look funny weird don't try to be someone else insted, be what God made you if God wanted you to be tall you would and if he wanted you to see you would if he wanted you to be weird looking you would be don't try to be someone else when your you.

Ah... Childhood

I just love finding happy things from my youth:


The Spinach Horror

I could smell the spinach in the air.
I told my mom that it wasn't fair.
She said right back
To have a snack.
I started to itch
When she said it was spinach.
I put it up to my lips and it started to burn.
I said to myself it looked like a fern.
It tasted like rotten eggs,
and smelled like dirty legs.
I could hear my sister eating.
I could tell my heart was beating.
I could see the tomatoes on the top shelf- good as can be.
I said to myself Yiperee.
I was near the top
When my mother and sister started to scoff.
She said if I could get all down I can get a pup.
An hour later I started to throw up.
I never ate spinach again

THE
N
D



*One of the first poems I ever wrote... I didn't even like tomatoes.

Desert Places

Hosea 2: 14-15 "Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards and will make the valley of Achor* a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth." (*Achor=trouble)

This is what is written directly after it is explained how terribly broken their relationship has become. He knows he has been forgotten by her, that she has been trying to gratify her desires elsewhere, that she thinks her treasures have come from her lovers when all the time they had been supplied by him. He has responded by barring her way to her lovers and taking away the treasures she has accrued. He has been utterly rejected and yet decides that he is going to sweet-talk her back to him and restore her gifts. She will be allured to the desert. What is this? After she has cheated on him and he has taken everything from her, he will attract her to the desert! She will willingly go to this dry, arid place to be with a man she betrayed. Why?It seems absurd, yet I find that there can indeed be something very alluring about desert places. Oftentimes I've wondered how much I would benefit from finding myself in a solitary hole where my basic needs are met and I can focus solely on revealing truths about myself and my relationship with God. In fact, there are times when I find myself longing for that to really be a possibility. Yes, there is something to be said for desert places. They are places free from distraction, places to focus on the relationship with the one you love... to hear his tender words... to see the value of his gifts. In them we become aware of our thirst. Because we are in such an uncomfortable place, we realize how much we are supported by God. It is from these places full of troubles that we are able to see the hope that is just around the bend. That is when we remember the sacrifices made for us, when we acknowledge that all we have comes from him. The best part is that when we reconcile ourselves back to his truths, he welcomes us again with open arms and perfect love. Lucky for us he is a patient and forgiving God.

Irritating mishaps

So last night after I got home from Bible study, I decided to post my thoughts on some of the things we had talked about. Unfortunately, just as I finished typing, my computer froze and I lost it all. I am still going to post my reflections, but it is so irritating when I know that I had worded everything better the first time.

Ou est le Poisson D'Avril?

"Bonjour! Je m'appelle D'Avril...
Poisson D'Avril!"




April Fools' Day Origin-

There are several explanations for the origin of April Fools' Day, but here is the most plausible one. April 1st was once New Year's Day in France. In 1582, Pope Gregory declared the adoption of his Gregorian calendar to replace the Julian calendar and New Year's Day was officially changed to January 1st. It took awhile for everyone in France to hear the news of this major change and others obstinately refused to accept the new calendar, so a lot of people continued to celebrate New Year's Day on the first of April – earning them the name April fools. The April fools were subjected to ridicule and practical jokes and the tradition was born. The butts of these pranks were first called poisson d'avril or April fish because a young naive fish is easily caught. A common practice was to hook a paper fish on the back of someone as a joke. This evolved over time and a custom of prank-playing continues on the first day of April.


...Be prepared. I like old customs and paper fish sound fun to me!





Qui! Les enfants sentiront le poisson d'Avril aussi! Ha! Ha! Ha!

I'm not the only addict

Here is proof that I am not the only addict of the slogan generator:

Un petit chou: I keep changing my blog template. I just can't get it quite right
Night Sky 0cean: i liked your post, i read it to ruth
Night Sky 0cean: i laughed
Un petit chou: wait you like unzip a sarah the best? how weird you are
Night Sky 0cean: no
Night Sky 0cean: 1
Night Sky 0cean: and 4 made me laugh
Night Sky 0cean: because it was sooo random and sooo easily wrong
Un petit chou: yeah I'll say
Un petit chou: did you try it with your own name?
Night Sky 0cean: no, i should
Un petit chou: what is your slogan?
Night Sky 0cean: it isn't working
Un petit chou: let me try again http://www.thesurrealist.co.uk/slogan.cgi?word=Sarah
Night Sky 0cean: ok... doing it..
Night Sky 0cean: my anti-drug is hannah
Un petit chou: right on
Night Sky 0cean: i am not gonna pay a lot for this hannah
Night Sky 0cean: :-(
Un petit chou: ha ha hah
Un petit chou: I will
Night Sky 0cean: tonight, let it be hannah
Night Sky 0cean: just one hannah - give it to me
Un petit chou: see how easy it is to watch them pop up over and over?
Night Sky 0cean: lol
Night Sky 0cean: hannah makes everything better
Un petit chou: ooh how nice
Un petit chou: i love that you make everything better
Night Sky 0cean: hahahaha
Night Sky 0cean: hands that do dishes can be soft as your hannah
Un petit chou: lol
Night Sky 0cean: double the pleasure, double the hannah
Night Sky 0cean: ok
Night Sky 0cean: this IS ADDICTING
Un petit chou: you must STOP
Night Sky 0cean: and sooo wrong
Night Sky 0cean: at least no one wants to unzip me yet
Un petit chou: but sooo funny
Night Sky 0cean: hannah-lickin' good
Night Sky 0cean: i can't believe i ate the whole hannah
Un petit chou: ooh that's a little intimate
Un petit chou: ooh my they want to eat me too
Night Sky 0cean: we must be yummy
Un petit chou: indeed
Night Sky 0cean: AHHHH
Night Sky 0cean: how many licks does it take to get to the center of a hannah
Un petit chou: now that's just a little too personal for me
Night Sky 0cean: it is
Night Sky 0cean: he who thinks hannah drinks hannah
Night Sky 0cean: oh sarah, what have you started me on
Un petit chou: not till you’re married!!!!
Night Sky 0cean: you'll look a little lovelier each day with a fabulous pink hannah
Un petit chou: who wouldn't
Night Sky 0cean: HAHA -- this one is hilarious
Night Sky 0cean: washing machines live longer with hannah
Un petit chou: lol.
Night Sky 0cean: "i wish i were a hannah-weiner"
Un petit chou: he he he
Night Sky 0cean: chris is on there now....
Night Sky 0cean: Marvin the Mountie Always Gets His Piecuch.
Un petit chou: ha hahaha
Night Sky 0cean: and he is going away with it
Night Sky 0cean: i like this one better than the licking ones
Night Sky 0cean: nobody better lay a finger on my hannah
Un petit chou: indeed they better not
Night Sky 0cean: ok
Night Sky 0cean: wow
Night Sky 0cean: i should sleep
Night Sky 0cean: hahhaa


Now I want to see many slogans in the comments section... so plug your name in, pick your favorite and post it. So much fun!

Post number one

Every once in a while I find myself at a website that just fascinates me way more than it should. I was sent to this one by a friend through an email: http://www.thesurrealist.co.uk/slogan.cgi?word=Sarah
It takes your name and puts it into a common advertising slogan...really rather funny and slightly disturbing. I am afraid to really think about how many slogans I've seen my name in now, but it helped me decide upon my blog title, and since I was at a loss with that I am thankful for the site. Anyway, I thought I would share the joy of the last ten slogans it threw at me:

10. Step into a Sarah. (I don't really know if I like this idea... wouldn't I have to be dead and cut open first?)
9. You've got questions, we've got Sarah. (what I want to know is if they are bragging or adding to the dilemma of the questions)
8. Do you eat the Sarah last? (although I agree with saving the best for last, I once again must state that I would rather not be dead and on your plate)
7. Go crack a Sarah. (please don't. I once got hit in the head with a rock and it hurt and bled. I don't want to know how a coconut feels)
6. Watch out... there's a Sarah about. (what else is there to say? You better be on your toes)
5. Nothing acts faster than a Sarah. (ahahahaha! If that's true, we're all doomed!)
4. Unzip a Sarah. ( yikes! please don't. I'm not up for any embarassment at present)
3. Kills all known Sarah - DEAD! (AHH! Noooooooo! Help! Quick! Oh no, that blasted #5 is in the way!)
2. You too can have a Sarah like mine. (only if you are really, really lucky)
1. Make fun of Sarah. (Truly! This is probably the fastest way to become one of my good friends... as long as the fun isn't full of malice. I really do feel more comfortable around people once I know they are comfortable enough around me to make fun of me. So... on with the jokes!)